The Future

January is almost over you guys! My mid-terms are next week, but I feel like its actually two weeks ago. Why does it seem like this school year is going so fast? I don't feel old enough to be in high school, let alone starting to look at colleges and start planning my future.

The problem with junior year is not only that it starts off with all of the pressure just piling one, but it seems that every adult has collectively decided that my career interests are literally the only thing worth talking about anymore. Which is fantastic, because I don't actually have any idea what I want to do with my life. The other day when I went to my guidance counselor to start discussing schools, she asked for any potential majors I'd be interested in and after a minute I managed a tentative "history...and animals?". I ended up with the lovely combination of international affairs, zoology, and marine biology. And then I immediately went home and started contemplating possibly becoming a doctor or a journalist.

Am I just an impossible commitment phobe? Everything I've ever wanted to be has either been instantly counted out because its entirely unrealistic (goodbye cowgirl dreams) or I've obsessed over until I spiraled into a panic and questioned whether I had any interest in anything. I've always wanted to be a fashion designer or involved in fashion some way but I'm the opposite of creative and I barely get anytime to sew or practice. In eighth grade I went through a little psychologist phase after reading It's Kind of a Funny Story where I was insistent that I would help people with major mental health problems. Then I decided that I would be monumentally awful at that. Last year I was absolutely convinced that I would be going to Med school and joining the navy. That whole thing lasted longer than you'd expect, and my interest in becoming a doctor has only waned a little since the realization that I wince at blood.

Even now, when I'm actually signed up for college visits and just about able to get my actual drivers license, I don't feel like I even have a fighting chance in the real world. All I've ever wanted was to travel and now that I'm starting to face the reality of my future I see it happening less and less.

Why does moving on have to be so hard? Sometimes I wish I could pause the universe for a while. If i could be suspended in limbo at this moment, I'd be happy to just drift for a while.

On a much more impressive note (in my opinion), as of yesterday I successfully watched five seasons of Scrubs in five days. It was totally awesome. I'm in the middle of the sixth season now and I just love this show. I haven't binge watched that many things before so not only do I feel sun- and sleep-deprived, but I've already begin the process where I latch onto my favorite character emotionally and start subconsciously mimicking their particular speech patterns. I was fortunate enough to become emotionally attached to Dr. Cox, so not only has my use of sarcasm shot through the freaking roof, but my mid-sentence pauses have been getting longer too.

Also, it's been nice going through all my "ooooh my fuuutuuure" angst while watching this show. It's just nice having something  that goes along the same lines as how your feeling.

That was really rambly guys, I know, but these posts that are basically me just typing for an extended amount of time have helped me a lot. It might be obvious, but I've been having a lot of trouble with anxiety for a while now and just being able to write these out make me feel so much better.

I'll write again soon, I promise. Thanks, and goodnight.